What I Know About Marriage On The Eve Of My 30th Anniversary

On March 22, 1986, at 2:00 p.m., Alan and I got married.

Our wedding day...so young and in love!

Our wedding day…so young and in love!

We had dated for five years already. We were young, naive and in love. Thirty years later, we are older and wiser but we’re not “in love” anymore. What I feel for him after 30 years has no resemblance to the feelings I had on the day I said, “I do.” At 25, he made my heart flutter…and I thought that’s what love was.

The boy I fell in love with at 21. Isn't he adorable?

The boy I fell in love with at 21. Isn’t he adorable?

At 55, he makes my heart swell…with gratitude and pride…gratitude that we are still together and pride that we have beat the odds (And he does still make my heart flutter…just in a deeper, more profound and more meaningful way!).

Statistics say we shouldn’t still be married. I’m damn proud of us…for course-correcting as we go and for keeping our eye on the prize. There aren’t a lot of folks our age who can say that they’ve only been married once because it’s hard work. There have been many times during our thirty-year marriage when one of us may have wanted to throw in the towel and we’ve both given each other many reasons to do just that. But we didn’t.

So, in a spirit of self-congratulations, I offer you my unsolicited advice on staying married. Wherever you may be on the relationship journey, here’s what I know to be true:

  1. Start by choosing well. We knew enough about each other’s basic value system that we could confidently state we shared same approach to life and wanted the same general outcome. Before Alan, I had never met anyone who looked at life and its purpose through the same filter as me. We shared the same basic philosophy about religion, politics, money and family, although we were too young to have tested any of the theories we held on these topics.
  2. Always respect each other. We may not always agree and we definitely utilize different tactics to get where we want to go but we have a deep and abiding respect for what the other brings to the table.
  3. Understand that if you dissolve a marriage, the issues within that marriage will follow you. The problem with getting divorced is that unless you do a tremendous amount of personal work, the issues that broke up your marriage will continue to haunt you…and they will be magnified by the divisions divorce creates. We figured we might as well stick it out with each other because had we chosen to walk away from our marriage, our personal shortcomings would still be there, staring back at us in the mirror. We both have a lot of personal growth still left to do but we’ve always agreed that it would be easier to do that growth side by side than it would be to do that work apart, with the complications of second marriages, stepchildren, and all that goes along with divorce.

    Our young family in 1992

    Our young family in 1992

  4. Find things to be passionate about together. From the Beatles and the arts to Alabama football, we have always looked for ways to share mutual enthusiasm. There are lots of things we enjoy separately and those things are important to us as individuals but there are some things that we invest our energy into equally. These shared interests give us something to focus on when our separate interests collide.
    He likes to fish. I like to shop.

    He likes to fish. I like to shop.

    And we are lucky that all of our shared passions clicked together when we created Merrimack Hall.

    With a few of our students in 2014

    With a few of our students in 2014

  5. Focus on the legacy that your marriage will leave. I imagine that all people who have long-term marriages have a commitment to leaving some sort of legacy – for their children or their religion or their profession or their community. Alan and I both know that separately, we can leave a mark and we both have. But together, we can make a more powerful statement. I bet every couple who’s been together long enough will say the same thing.

And the most powerful thing I know about being married is this:

7. “We” is more important than “me.” We have approached every challenge and every triumph from the mindset of “we.” There have been dozens of times when what was best for “we” might not have been what was best for either of us personally but we were committed to the notion that when we said, “I Do,” we were forging an alliance that was more important than either of us as individuals.

As I scrolled through photos to use for this post, I was struck by the fact that we all have pictures of ourselves and our lives at our best. I have hundreds of photos of Alan and me at moments of great personal achievement and of great happiness.

Meeting Sir Paul McCartney...definitely a high point

Meeting Sir Paul McCartney…definitely a high point

Receiving the Humanitarian Award in 2014

Receiving the Humanitarian Award in 2014

I wish I had photos that show the turmoil, heartbreak, anger, frustration, chaos and sadness that have marked our 30-year marriage because those would be the photos that really tell the story: when the bank balance is “zero;” when parents age and die; when children veer off course and we fear for their future happiness; when arguments escalate into low-blow name-calling; when business ventures fail; when we embarrass ourselves in public; when we make mistakes that the other predicted but we wouldn’t listen to their advice; when we vehemently disagree on matters of great importance; when we hurt each other…these are the photos I wish I had because they would be the ones that tell the story of staying married for 30 years.

I treasure the moments of heartache and hurt almost as much as I cherish the memories of happiness and joy because it was in those moments that seemed the most hopeless that we chose to remember that WE are more important than ME. And that’s why we’ve managed to stay married for 30 years.

So, Alan, love of my life and best friend forever, congratulations to us. If we’ve made it through everything life has thrown us so far, I’d say we’re golden for the next 30 years. And to borrow Chelsie’s phrase, Alan…you I love.

 

 

Caitlyn Jenner…Don’t Shoot The Messenger

In this blog, I advocate for people with special needs. My mantra has been, “We’re all more alike than we are different” and “Normal is a dryer setting.” I was starting to think that our culture might be turning a corner, that maybe we were reaching a tipping point where the differences between us mean less and the similarities mean more. And then along comes marriage equality and Caitlyn Jenner and some people’s reactions to them makes my hopefulness seems premature.

One of my precious friends

One of my precious friends

I watched Caitlyn Jenner’s speech online the day after the ESPY Awards and cried when she said, “We’re all different. That’s not a bad thing. That’s a good thing.”

When she spoke those words, I thought of all the people with special needs I know and love and hoped that those words of tolerance might be applied to them…hoped that the athletes and celebrities in the audience and the millions watching at home – might think of those words the next time they see a person with Down syndrome or autism or cerebral palsy or any other disability…thought that maybe some awareness might be raised.

To me, anytime anyone advocates for the acceptance of others who are different, it’s a win for everyone.

And yet, I look at my newsfeed and see that some of most vociferous objections to the LGBT movement and to marriage equality are coming from people who have family members with special needs. In message threads on the pages of people I know and on special needs blogs I follow, I see spiteful, hateful, intolerant comments. Most of them, of course, identify as conservatives or fundamental Christians. In numerous comments I read, people called Caitlyn Jenner an “abomination.”

It wasn’t too long ago that people with disabilities were called the same thing.

Alan and me with some of our favorite people

Alan and me with some of our favorite people

A few months ago, I had a meeting with a parent of a person with special needs. For nearly two hours, the parent told me they basically have a zero tolerance policy regarding discrimination against their family member. As the meeting ended, the parent made a disparaging remark about someone who is gay.

How screwed up is that? You don’t want anyone to discriminate against your family member who has a disability but you are okay with judging someone because they are gay? Someone please explain that one to me.

A gay teenager I know wore a pink tiara on his 17th birthday. A teenaged girl told him to take it off. He asked why and she told him that boys weren’t supposed to wear pink, nor should they wear tiaras. He told her that it was his birthday and he could wear a tiara if he wanted to. She told him he was weird. She told him that if he didn’t remove the tiara, she couldn’t be friends with him any longer. She said, “You are a freak.”

He told me later that he was shocked by her words…not because he hasn’t heard words like them before but because the girl has Down syndrome. “We’re both different from the norm,” he told me. “Shouldn’t we stick together?” I would certainly think so.

Two of my favorite guys!

Two of my favorite guys!

Caitlyn Jenner offered a powerful message in her speech – people who are different from what most people define as “normal” should matter…to everyone. No matter what your opinion of trans people may be, even if you think that she’s just a “rich man in a dress” as Conservative Christian blogger Matt Walsh says, Caitlyn used her celebrity to shine a powerful spotlight on a group who has been marginalized.

And anyone who is willing to start a national conversation about how we are all people, no matter how different we are from each other, is doing a great service for anyone who has ever been marginalized.

If everyone would focus on the message instead of the messenger, maybe we’d get somewhere. Instead of focusing on the “rich man in a dress,” shouldn’t we be focused on Caitlyn’s message that every life matters, even if it is drastically different from your own? Instead of focusing on your definition of marriage, wouldn’t it better to focus on the notion that no one’s love is more important than anyone else’s?

I have learned to appreciate the value of every life by spending so much time with people who are largely ignored and overlooked, treated differently because they have an extra chromosome or can’t walk or talk like I do. And when I hear someone – even a “rich man in a dress” – proclaim that it’s okay to be different, I want to believe that the message will resonate and spread acceptance and understanding over us all. But then I read comments and blogs, oozing with judgement and hypocrisy and it seems like those who most need to “get it” are totally missing the point.

Advocates and family members of people with special needs celebrate when “one of their own” receives some sort of national recognition. Like this man who owns his own restaurant or this young woman who is breaking into professional modeling. They celebrate because these success stories start conversations and help people who don’t know someone with special needs see them in a different light.

Whenever the nation’s attention is focused on the topic of diversity, in any form, it elevates the understanding of diversity for everyone.

Whether the conversation is about gay people or racial minorities or trans people or people with special needs…if we can open our hearts to one group who is different from us, it makes it easier to open our hearts to other groups who are different. I can’t understand people like Sarah Palin, who has a son with Down syndrome, when she defends that nut case Duck Dynasty guy who compares homosexuality to beastiality. She doesn’t want you to use the “R” word but it’s okay with her to use inflammatory and derogatory language about homosexuals. I just don’t get it.

Two amazing teens!

Two amazing teens!

I suppose there is one big difference between the treatment of people with special needs and people who are gay or trans. Basically, people with special needs are discounted, maybe pitied and a large portion of our society thinks they don’t have much to contribute whereas gay and trans people are despised by many, considered by some to be morally bankrupt and headed straight for hell. I don’t know what’s worse – to be hated or forgotten.

If you believe that same-sex marriage is wrong, then don’t marry someone of the same sex. If your God and your Bible tells you that homosexuality is a sin and if you believe that accepting the LGBT community means the end of civilization as we know it, then by all means, go to your church and pray for your salvation. But don’t tell me that the only differences that matter are the ones that pertain to you. Don’t tell me that your brand of different is more important than anyone else’s. Don’t tell me that people with special needs don’t deserve to be marginalized and then turn around and marginalize someone else because when you do that, your hypocrisy trumps your message.

Having fun with some of my friends

Having fun with some of my friends

Everyone is different. That’s what makes life so interesting and beautiful and precious. Surely, there will come a day when we will be a society that says, “I may not understand you but I respect and value your life experience” instead of one that says, “If you don’t agree with me, or look like me, or behave like me, or believe what I believe, then you’re wrong and you are my enemy.”

Maybe we’ll become a society where anyone who has ever been mistreated will stand up for anyone else who is mistreated.

It’s probably going to take a lot of messengers – including men who “wear dresses” and women who marry women – to get us there.