Caitlyn Jenner…Don’t Shoot The Messenger

In this blog, I advocate for people with special needs. My mantra has been, “We’re all more alike than we are different” and “Normal is a dryer setting.” I was starting to think that our culture might be turning a corner, that maybe we were reaching a tipping point where the differences between us mean less and the similarities mean more. And then along comes marriage equality and Caitlyn Jenner and some people’s reactions to them makes my hopefulness seems premature.

One of my precious friends

One of my precious friends

I watched Caitlyn Jenner’s speech online the day after the ESPY Awards and cried when she said, “We’re all different. That’s not a bad thing. That’s a good thing.”

When she spoke those words, I thought of all the people with special needs I know and love and hoped that those words of tolerance might be applied to them…hoped that the athletes and celebrities in the audience and the millions watching at home – might think of those words the next time they see a person with Down syndrome or autism or cerebral palsy or any other disability…thought that maybe some awareness might be raised.

To me, anytime anyone advocates for the acceptance of others who are different, it’s a win for everyone.

And yet, I look at my newsfeed and see that some of most vociferous objections to the LGBT movement and to marriage equality are coming from people who have family members with special needs. In message threads on the pages of people I know and on special needs blogs I follow, I see spiteful, hateful, intolerant comments. Most of them, of course, identify as conservatives or fundamental Christians. In numerous comments I read, people called Caitlyn Jenner an “abomination.”

It wasn’t too long ago that people with disabilities were called the same thing.

Alan and me with some of our favorite people

Alan and me with some of our favorite people

A few months ago, I had a meeting with a parent of a person with special needs. For nearly two hours, the parent told me they basically have a zero tolerance policy regarding discrimination against their family member. As the meeting ended, the parent made a disparaging remark about someone who is gay.

How screwed up is that? You don’t want anyone to discriminate against your family member who has a disability but you are okay with judging someone because they are gay? Someone please explain that one to me.

A gay teenager I know wore a pink tiara on his 17th birthday. A teenaged girl told him to take it off. He asked why and she told him that boys weren’t supposed to wear pink, nor should they wear tiaras. He told her that it was his birthday and he could wear a tiara if he wanted to. She told him he was weird. She told him that if he didn’t remove the tiara, she couldn’t be friends with him any longer. She said, “You are a freak.”

He told me later that he was shocked by her words…not because he hasn’t heard words like them before but because the girl has Down syndrome. “We’re both different from the norm,” he told me. “Shouldn’t we stick together?” I would certainly think so.

Two of my favorite guys!

Two of my favorite guys!

Caitlyn Jenner offered a powerful message in her speech – people who are different from what most people define as “normal” should matter…to everyone. No matter what your opinion of trans people may be, even if you think that she’s just a “rich man in a dress” as Conservative Christian blogger Matt Walsh says, Caitlyn used her celebrity to shine a powerful spotlight on a group who has been marginalized.

And anyone who is willing to start a national conversation about how we are all people, no matter how different we are from each other, is doing a great service for anyone who has ever been marginalized.

If everyone would focus on the message instead of the messenger, maybe we’d get somewhere. Instead of focusing on the “rich man in a dress,” shouldn’t we be focused on Caitlyn’s message that every life matters, even if it is drastically different from your own? Instead of focusing on your definition of marriage, wouldn’t it better to focus on the notion that no one’s love is more important than anyone else’s?

I have learned to appreciate the value of every life by spending so much time with people who are largely ignored and overlooked, treated differently because they have an extra chromosome or can’t walk or talk like I do. And when I hear someone – even a “rich man in a dress” – proclaim that it’s okay to be different, I want to believe that the message will resonate and spread acceptance and understanding over us all. But then I read comments and blogs, oozing with judgement and hypocrisy and it seems like those who most need to “get it” are totally missing the point.

Advocates and family members of people with special needs celebrate when “one of their own” receives some sort of national recognition. Like this man who owns his own restaurant or this young woman who is breaking into professional modeling. They celebrate because these success stories start conversations and help people who don’t know someone with special needs see them in a different light.

Whenever the nation’s attention is focused on the topic of diversity, in any form, it elevates the understanding of diversity for everyone.

Whether the conversation is about gay people or racial minorities or trans people or people with special needs…if we can open our hearts to one group who is different from us, it makes it easier to open our hearts to other groups who are different. I can’t understand people like Sarah Palin, who has a son with Down syndrome, when she defends that nut case Duck Dynasty guy who compares homosexuality to beastiality. She doesn’t want you to use the “R” word but it’s okay with her to use inflammatory and derogatory language about homosexuals. I just don’t get it.

Two amazing teens!

Two amazing teens!

I suppose there is one big difference between the treatment of people with special needs and people who are gay or trans. Basically, people with special needs are discounted, maybe pitied and a large portion of our society thinks they don’t have much to contribute whereas gay and trans people are despised by many, considered by some to be morally bankrupt and headed straight for hell. I don’t know what’s worse – to be hated or forgotten.

If you believe that same-sex marriage is wrong, then don’t marry someone of the same sex. If your God and your Bible tells you that homosexuality is a sin and if you believe that accepting the LGBT community means the end of civilization as we know it, then by all means, go to your church and pray for your salvation. But don’t tell me that the only differences that matter are the ones that pertain to you. Don’t tell me that your brand of different is more important than anyone else’s. Don’t tell me that people with special needs don’t deserve to be marginalized and then turn around and marginalize someone else because when you do that, your hypocrisy trumps your message.

Having fun with some of my friends

Having fun with some of my friends

Everyone is different. That’s what makes life so interesting and beautiful and precious. Surely, there will come a day when we will be a society that says, “I may not understand you but I respect and value your life experience” instead of one that says, “If you don’t agree with me, or look like me, or behave like me, or believe what I believe, then you’re wrong and you are my enemy.”

Maybe we’ll become a society where anyone who has ever been mistreated will stand up for anyone else who is mistreated.

It’s probably going to take a lot of messengers – including men who “wear dresses” and women who marry women – to get us there.



5 thoughts on “Caitlyn Jenner…Don’t Shoot The Messenger

  1. Thank you for this wonderful post; it really touched me. I am grateful for your message of love and compassion, and for understanding how much marginalized groups share. It was a previous post of yours that drove me to remove the “r-word” from my vocabulary. I admire you for making such a positive difference, through both your work and your blog.

    I would encourage you to not refer to transgender women as “men in dresses,” because it’s hurtful. Cross-dressers are men in dresses; transgender women are not. People who transition genders have a diagnosis that their gender identity doesn’t match their birth sex, and receive legitimate medical care (often covered by insurance) to treat their condition. Once someone is socially, legally, and physically a woman, there’s nothing more painful than still being called a man. I know you were referencing another blogger, but just thought I’d let you know.

    • Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment on my post! I’ve been reading your blog since we met last year at Blogher. Did you attend this year? I didn’t but am looking for a good writer’s conference to attend. If you have any advice please share it! And you’re absolutely right about the “men in dress” remark – I’m going to edit it and put the second reference to it in quotations so no one will misinterpret and think I feel that way about Caitlyn. I’ve seen so many hate filled comments about her and was using that awful Matt Walsh’s description to make the point that even if that’s all you think of Caitlyn, you should at least listen to her message. But we both know how well that will work…closed-minded, intolerant people tend to stay that way! Keep on writing – you are so talented!

      • Thank you so much for your reply and for the edit. That’s more than I expected; I appreciate it! I didn’t go to BlogHer this year, but am hoping to go back in the next couple years if the time and location are convenient. Let me know too if you find any other great conferences to attend. I’d love to run into you at another. I’m woefully behind on blogging , but thank you very much for reading and for your kind words.

  2. Thank you so much for sharing this beautifully-written, thoughtful piece, Debra. I was particularly moved by the fact that we should be valuing every other person’s life, even those drastically different from our own. I believe that the younger we can expose people to diversity and teach them to honor and respect difference of backgrounds and opinions, the stronger our societies will be as a whole. Thank you for all that you are doing to spread the word! I am honored to be in the same line of work as you.

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