On Taking A Girl With Down Syndrome To The Prom

Every spring, I see posts and articles like this one, about a handsome quarterback who invites a girl with special needs to be his date to the prom. Messages threads on multiple postings of this story, and others like it, always share a common theme:

“This boy restores my faith in humanity.”
“A true hero. His parents must be so proud.”
“His parents raised him right.”
“What a kind and wonderful thing this boy did to give her a night she will never forget.”

Yes, it is wonderful to see “typical” kids including kids with special needs in activities and it’s true that this boy…and the hundreds like him who ask someone with special needs to proms and homecomings…is clearly a kind and compassionate friend. This particular story isn’t just about the boy asking the girl on a date to a big event; it involves a friendship they have shared since fourth grade and the promise he made to her when they were ten-years-old that they would go to the prom together. So he gets multiple brownie points for being a man of his word. But I personally don’t think he’s a hero or that he extended an extraordinary act of kindness to a girl.

I think he’s a guy who wanted to ask a girl he likes and values to go to the prom with him. Period.

Why do we think he has done something heroic and selfless by asking his friend to share this right-of-passage, milestone moment with him? Why wouldn’t he want to ask someone who has been his friend for seven years to attend the big event? Maybe he asked her simply because he thought she would be the most fun date he could possibly have.

This boy might have been concerned that asking a “typical” girl to the prom – maybe the Homecoming Queen or a cheerleader – could mean that he’d spend the evening waiting on her to emerge from the bathroom, where she would spend most of the party gossiping with her friends. Or he might have worried that other potential dates would go to the dance, get totally wasted and puke all over his car and her expensive dress, which happens with alarming regularity at the high school parties in my community. Maybe he didn’t want to share his prom with a girl who would look at the other kids with judgement or critique the others girls’ dresses or hairdos. Why is it hard to believe that he chose to ask her – and she chose to say yes – because they like each other?

What if he asked her because he knew that she was the girl would treat the evening with the respect it deserves? What if he knew that she was the girl who would cherish the evening, say “yes” every time he asked her to dance and savor everything about being there with him? What if he knew that she was the girl who would make him feel like a prince if he treated her like a princess for one special evening?

To believe the notion that kids who are friends with kids who have special needs are somehow more noble or heroic than other teens is to think that there’s something wrong with being friends with kids who are “different.” He took her to the prom because he felt sorry for her or he took her because he wanted to make himself look good to others or he took her to the prom because no one else would.

Excuse me, but look at her…she’s gorgeous! Why can’t we imagine that he took her to the prom because he thinks she cute? And dare I say it…why is is hard to imagine that a typical teen might have a romantic interest in a teen with special needs? I loved the episode of Glee that featured Becky, the cheerleader with Down syndrome, and her typical boyfriend because when some of Becky’s friends questioned his motives for wanting to date her, he indignantly told them that (paraphrase) he liked her, plain and simple.

down syndrome prom date

What I see in these pictures is a beautiful young woman and a handsome young man who are about to have a great night. They look happy to be together and maybe a little anxious to dispense with the photo shoot and get on with the party. They look like they are proud to be chosen by each other for this special event.

When we make his choice to take her to the prom evidence of his extraordinary heroism, we diminish her. And we diminish all girls every time we tell them, in subtle and overt ways, that they are not complete unless they have a boyfriend, or unless their boyfriend gives them a corsage more elaborate than the other girls, or unless they get the most elaborate “promposal” of the year.

Hey, I’ve got a great idea! Let’s all agree to stop diminishing all girls – special needs or not…in any way…starting right now…Got it? Thanks!

So, he’s not a hero. But he is a handsome young fella who asked a beautiful gal to the prom. They are young people who have sustained a meaningful relationship since elementary school and who, I imagine, will continue to sustain their relationship for many years to come. And I bet that at their prom, they created memories they will both treasure for the rest of their lives.

And on a personal note, these two get my vote for the most adorable prom couple of the year!

Anna and Nathan, Prom 2015

Anna and Nathan, Prom 2015